Journey to Single Town

Here in the Philippines, almost all families are religious. Mine is not an exception. I grew up with a grandma who never fails to attend the first mass every Sunday. My parents are a part of a catholic community and very often they lead the praise and worship activity in our home. I myself would go to Sunday church as well. Saying grace before eating is a must, we host novenas, participate in every Catholic Church activities. Which means you would think I grew up as a very religious person. Don’t get me wrong, I grew up and till now have a very personal relationship with God. But sometime growing up in a way I did things get to be just a habit rather than a willing desire to do. Sunday just become an ordinary day that I had to give at least 1 hours for attending mass, praying just became a habit or only when I needed to ask something to God. Yet even so, I know and acknowledge God is my Lord and Savior, I ‘am nothing If not because of him. Then some life events lead me to stop going to church and praying less and less. Still in my heart & mind I know, I ‘am a good practicing Christian.


When I was in my senior year in high school – I was able to attend a seminar called “True Love Waits”. I ‘m quite sure this is a cliché sentences to everyone, during this seminar I was convinced that I should wait for the right time to fall in love and God knows who I should be with. I made a deal with the Lord that he will take over this part of my life and just whisper to me when the right guy come along. That is why when I was in college though I often find myself envious; I was able to survive it – single and not ready to mingle. But humanity took over and right after college just a few months later I had a boyfriend, then came another and another. I forgot true love waits and finally accepted that to find the one I just look for him and by doing that I will get my heart broken. And in year 2014 – it finally took its toll on me. I ‘am in the worst time of my life, the outside won’t show it but inside I’m dying - worthless and suicidal. I finally decided to stay single and once again believe that even with the past relationship, true love is yet to come and with true love I must wait.


Fast forward to today, year 2017. I feel like my heart is fluttering again, maybe to a certain someone but most definitely with the idea of giving my heart again to someone. Suddenly, I want to feel love and be loved again. So I feel like I’m ready to give love but no one to receive it. Aside from that I’m starting to be vulnerable, accepting mixed signals and assuming things. Suddenly I wanted to look good for boys, started exercising, going in to diets, changing my make up to organic products because I want to be a natural beauty. There is nothing wrong in doing this but I just felt like something is wrong. Things won’t fall on the right place even I wanted too. 
These frustrations, confusions and worries I have led me into reading Mandy Hale’s book Beautiful Uncertainty, reading blogs of single woman and their journeys – she is set apart site. And for so many times, I have been encountering stories and words about “having a relationship with Christ”, making him “the centre of my life”, know him talk to him and in return listen because he may be talking to you too. Telling and revealing his desires for us. Because honestly and it’s a no brainer that it is God’s desire that will work.


With this realization, I’m having a brand new outlook on my singlehood – and everything that comes along with it. Like the fact that instead of me chasing boys that doesn’t want me, assuming and trying to understand their mixed signals – Jesus Christ is waiting for me to chase him – and with him there is nothing I need to assume, and it’s 100% understandable that he wants me. That I do not even need to be ashamed of my past mistakes, because he will not accept me when I’m perfect already – physically, mentally and spiritually. He accepted the sinner me already –and still he wants me, that instead of doing these exercises to be pleasing in the eyes of a man. I’m doing this because my body is the temple of the Holy Spirit and it should be well kept for him to resides, Jesus made my body it’s his temple I should take care of it. My journey to this town of singlehood – Is not a preparation only for when the right man comes, but a preparation for a deeper and a true personal relationship with Jesus. This time around I really want to work on this. I really want to get to know Jesus deeper, have a more meaningful and extra personal relationship with him. This past days having this thought – I honestly feel my heart and mind feels lighter and I have a peace that some of my colleagues are starting to notice. 


Because really, this season of singleness shouldn’t be hard, it should be meaningful. And through Christ will definitely have meaning.

 

Jessy Seguerra

is a 29 years old from the Philippines. She works as an Admin Department Head and has been living on her own for more than a year away from her family. She loves to read books, watch movies and listen to music. Blog